Jerry Tough Loss

On Tuesday, we buried my brother Jerry. He was 43. He’d been fine, as far as anybody could tell; he’d been out to dinner with my dad the middle of last week and seemed perfectly healthy, and they were planning to drive to DC on Friday to visit my younger brother and sister. When he didn’t show up, my dad called the cops, and they found him in his apartment, no signs of foul play or any other obvious cause or reason. He’d been in Vegas just a few weeks ago with his fraternity brothers. When we went to start cleaning out his apartment on Saturday night, his computer was still on. We’re still all in shock. It’s hard enough to explain all this to my kids; the oldest are 13 and 11 and don’t understand how a man that age can just drop dead with no warning, the youngest is 4 1/2 and just old enough to begin to grasp the finality of death. But the cruelest blow is to my dad, who is 76. My oldest brother Timmy was killed when he was hit by a car in front of our house while flying a kite in 1972; he was 7, Jerry was 5 and was a step behind him when it happened. Jerry didn’t talk much about it, any more than my mom did, but Timmy was always with them, and now both of them are with him and my dad is left behind. No man should have to bury a child, let alone two of them.

Regular readers of this site will recall Jerry as one of the regular commenters here on topics large and small. While we were on the same page baseball-wise, we didn’t always agree on things political – he was basically a moderate Democrat, voted against Bush twice but had no illusions about Obama and I believe voted against him twice, too – but he always had something pithy and incisive to say on any topic, and usually cut to the issue faster than I did. I’ve been stealing his ideas and his one-liners for years.

Jerry was everything you’d want in a big brother. He was funny, he was cool, he was even-keeled, he was the responsible one, and he was always there. He was four years my senior: he was born in 1967, I was born in 1971. We shared a bedroom until I was 8; I thought back this weekend to us crying our eyes out when my grandfather died that year, my first experience with death in the family. He was quick and clever enough that almost nobody in the family could beat him at board games or card games; even as a kid, he was the one who could solve Rubik’s Cube without taking it apart. He’d worked as a computer programmer at the same company since graduating college in 1989.

The picture above is us with Tom Seaver at my first baseball game, August 28, 1976 (I was not quite 5 and thus not responsible for those plaid shorts, Jerry was 9); my uncle got us down on the field and we got our pictures taken with a bunch of the Mets and a few Dodgers as well. The Mets won that game on a walkoff single in the 9th, Felix Millan driving in Leo Foster. As fate would have it, our last game – I found the ticket stub in his apartment – was 34 years to the day later, August 28, 2010. We’d gotten some tickets from friends who weren’t using them, so I decided to take my son and asked Jerry if he wanted to come; he was always up for a ballgame, and being still single, he was generally free. He didn’t complain when my son wanted to get something from the Shake Shack and we ended up waiting on a 25-minute line and missing the first-inning rally that put the Astros ahead of Johan Santana and the Mets for the rest of the game (it was Santana’s next to last start of the year). We’d gone to a bunch of games with my son and sometimes my older daughter over the years, in the process seeing most of the best games I’ve seen. He had his company’s box seats and my son was just 2 when we saw the Mets win the playoff-game-forcing last game of the 1999 regular season on a Brad Clontz wild pitch; we went to the Mets’ last win at Shea, Santana’s masterful performance with the 2008 season still hanging within reach, with my son and older daughter. He was with me when we went to see U2 at Yankee Stadium in 1992, when we got stuck in traffic on the Tappan Zee Bridge leaving a show that ended after midnight and didn’t get home until after 2am. He’d seen a lot more great concerts than I ever did.

Looking back now, I realize quite how many of my interests came from him. When I was 6, he came home talking about this movie he’d seen, “Star Wars.” We got the comic books and the action figures and I basically knew the whole story by the time I actually saw it in the theater, but it didn’t matter. When I was 10 or 11, my Christmas present from him was a model ice planet Hoth built out of Styrofoam, complete with the Wampa’s cave. He got a tabletop baseball game, SHERCO baseball, and we spent endless hours compiling and playing teams that we didn’t know much more about at the time than their stat lines in the Macmillan Encyclopedia, teams like the 1894 Orioles and the 1906 Cubs. I could still tell you today what a J8K 11-16 pitcher means or a B(11)*mwmk2 hitter is like. He introduced me to The Hobbit (the first full-length book I read, in the second grade) and the Lord of the Rings. He discovered rock n’ roll around 1980 or so (my parents had no use for anything recorded after the mid-1950s), and joined the CBS/Columbia Record Club back when it was records and tapes. A few of his early purchases were embarrassing (REO Speedwagon, Eddie Rabbitt), but he was swifty on to the good stuff, buying the Beatles 1962-66 and 1967-70 compilations, the ones that just hit iTunes this week; we wore those cassettes to death on a little tape deck (for my part, Paul McCartney’s Tug of War on vinyl was the first album I bought with my own money). He bought The River on vinyl when it was newly out, and introduced me to Bruce Springsteen. He introduced me to Bloom County. He subscribed religiously to Baseball Digest, and in 1983, he introduced me to another new book he’d bought, his first Bill James Baseball Abstract. Eventually, I followed him across the Jersey border to the high school he chose (my younger brother also followed him to Lafayette College).

Jerry wasn’t one to wear nostalgia or emotion on his sleeve the way I do, but he tended to the family traditions. He helped my dad decorate the house every year for holidays after my mom died in 2002; that house is still adorned with the Halloween decorations he put up, some of which date back decades. He’d sit patiently with my kids at my dad’s house building Legos and Richard Scarry’s Puzzletown and playing Wiffle Ball, the same stuff we played as kids. Going through his apartment, I found in the medicine cabinet the ringmaster from the Fisher-Price Little People Circus Train that we had as kids, a toy set long since scattered to the four winds, a little plastic figure squatting among the aspirin bottles and contact lense solutions in his top hat and his cummerbund. The next day, going through the old photo albums, I found a picture of me (age 3, in an engineer’s hat) and Jerry (age 7) playing with the full set, Christmas morning, 1974.

For my part, I can’t help but feel not just how much I’ll miss him, but in a way the loss of that whole period of my life. My younger brother was born in 1975, my sister in 1979; I love them, but my brother scarcely remembers the first decade of my life, my sister not at all; those were the memories Jerry and I shared alone with my parents. You always expect to bury your parents, even if they die too young, as my mom did, but you expect your siblings to be there when your parents are gone.

Rest in Peace.

54 thoughts on “Jerry Tough Loss”

  1. Crank-
    I’m so very sorry for your family’s horrible loss. May his blessed memory continue to be a comfort.

  3. Crank,
    What a horrible loss. I’m so sorry for you and your family. I can’t imagine how hard this was to write.

  5. Dan, I’m so sorry for your loss. This is a truly beautiful tribute to your brother and the childhood you shared.

  6. Please accept my deepest condolences. As someone who walks in your dad’s shoes, I do understand, and if he ever needs someone, I’m glad to help.

  7. Reading this, I am struck by the many ways a sibling is not a separate entity from us, rather, an extension of ourselves that reminds us of where we have been and the many things in life that have made us the person we are. A sibling is the best of us, the worst of us and the very heart of us. Yours was amazing and you and your kids are a beautiful extension of him.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend.

  11. So sorry for your loss, buddy. The only thing I can do for you & your family is pray, and pray I shall. May your burdens be lighter come the morn.

  13. Crank,
    Please accept my condolences for your loss. I always enjoyed Jerry’s comments and remember still my surprise when I learned you were brothers. Your tribute to Jerry is beautifully written and very moving. Indeed, may he rest in peace.

  15. Dan,
    My condolences to you and your family. A very touching and moving tribute to an older brother. God bless.

  16. Crank,
    I am very sorry for your loss. Jerry was a great poster here and his opinions, which I also didin’t always agree with, were always passionate and from the heart. Thank you for sharing your memories with us.

  20. I have no siblings, both my parents are still alive, all my grandparents were either dead before I was born or relatively shortly afterwards and I am not terribly close with the small extended family I have. Thankfully, as well, I have had very, very few friends pass away. I have been relatively free of loss of this magnitude in my life and therefore I can’t begin to imagine how crushing and empty it must feel. I wish you strength in finding ways to deal with such a stunning personal loss.

  23. Crank, my deepest condolences. I am so sorry for your loss. I believe in the spiritual world, and he knows you are thinking of him.

  24. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am sure he would have smiled at the memories you shared in your post.
    My deepest condolences.

  25. “They have me write obituaries and I haven’t died yet.” Joe Falls, Detroit Free Press
    A-plus memorial article. You hit it out of the park, Crank. You and your family have my sincerest condolences. Jeff

  26. Dan,
    My sincerest condolences on the death of your brother. I cannot imagine your grief. Though we have never really chatted, oddly enough, I woke up this morning thinking about you. I looked and found this beautiful tribute and have been searching for words all day. I still have none that will ease your pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Rest in peace Jerry.

  27. Dan,
    As you know, Jerry was a great friend to those of us lucky enough to know him from Lafayette. He was my fraternity brother and close friend ever since. My wife and I were lucky enough to consider Jerry in our extended family when he wasn’t with yours. (My kids, 14 and 11, still call him “uncle Jerry.”) We shared so much fun, so many memories, and at all the important times in my life for the past 25 years – Jerry was there, including my wedding, kids birthdays, watching the Bills devastating loss to the Giants in Super Bowl XXV (Jerry may have seen it differently), a strike-shortened season of Sunday Yankees games, countless parties and get-togethers, and I think that same U2 concert. He was an amazing, loyal, intelligent and very funny guy.
    Thanks for the fitting tribute, and thanks for giving his friends a great view of the family side of Jerry. I miss him so much already, as I’m sure do you. All my best to you & your family.
    –Tim

  28. Oh my, Crank, I’m so sorry to hear this. My sincerest condolences to you, your Dad, and to your whole family.
    I too remember Jerry well from the comments here – I’ve read his thoughts from time-to-time for 5 years. Thank you for writing this.

  29. I’m truly sorry Crank. I have three siblings and can’t really imagine losing any of them. May God bless you and your family during this time.

  31. Crank,
    My condolences go out to you and all of your family. Prayers to all of you and may you have peace in your time of mourning.

  32. Excuse me. I have a something in my eye and the screen is blurred. Prayers for you, your dad and the rest of your family.

  33. RIP Jerry. Thoughts and prayers Dan. Your article is a great reminder to treasure our loved ones.
    -Brendan

  35. What a beautiful post that brought tears to my eyes. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  37. Incidentally, do they have any idea why he died? Heart attack? Stroke? My maternal grandfather died of a stroke when he was 44 or thereabouts, but he was also a heavy drinker and smoker. The combination caught up to him sooner rather than later.

  38. Waiting on the medical examiner’s report, not that it really changes anything once we know. Certainly he didn’t have any obvious risk factors for heart disease. (And lots of the men in my family are heavy drinkers & smokers and still going in their 70s.)
    Thanks to everyone for the kind words.

  41. Crank – I am stunned and saddened by the suddenness of your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling. Although I no longer am close to my older brother, the memories of ball games, shared toys (our baseball sabermetric game was APBA), columbia house music club, etc… that you conveyed are extremely familiar. I am glad you had almost 40 years of such happiness. I hope it sustains you and your family through the unbelievable pain you must be experiencing. God bless.

  44. I am very sorry about your loss. I didn’t know your brother, but your posting express the utter raw emotion we all feel when we lose someone. I had an odd experience this week. I happened to learn that an old acquaintance, someone I had lost touch with and hadn’t seen in twenty years, had died two years ago at the age of fifty one of a heart attack. Both of his parents are still alive. I am trying to decide if I should send them a condolence card. Oddly enough one of the memories I have of this fellow is when we all went to fan appreciation day at Shea in the late seventies. The attendance was so low that the upper deck was completely closed. We paid for the cheapest seats and wound up sitting in the row directly behind the Mets dugout. Joe Torre was the player manager. There were so few people in the stands that the players could hear every word we said. When one of our party uttered an obscenity (we were college aged) Joe came out of the dugout, turned around and stared at us. My friend’s name was Tom. I said a prayer for him and for your brother Jerry, and will say one in church as well tomorrow.

  45. What a shock this must be for all of you. I cannot even imagine such a terrible loss coming so unexpectedly. My condolences to all of you.

  46. I’m so sorry to hear about about your brother. What a terrible loss. May God bless him and your family. I appreciate your writings on both baseball and politics.

  47. Currently traveling in Asia and just read your blog today. My deepest condolonces to you and your family at this time. God bless

  48. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family, especially your father. I am praying for you all now.

  49. I,too, am sincerely saddened by the loss of your brother. Will pray for you and your family to find peace.

  51. Dan,
    Haven’t visited this site in a while so I missed this entry.
    So very sorry to hear of Jerry’s passing. Your family is in my prayers. A stark and unwelcome reminder that none of us know when our time here on Earth will be done. Especially touched by your comments about your Dad having to do what no parent should. It always seem wrong when I attend a wake/funeral and a parent of the deceased is present.

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