Dear Mr. Yard

Q: Mr. Yard – I’m a busy New York lawyer who prefers blogging to yard work on the weekends. Several months ago, I trimmed the hedges in front of my house, and put the clippings in overstuffed bags in two garbage cans. But it was getting dark and I had other stuff to do, so I left the cans (without lids) by the side of the house, where over the proceeding months they accumulated rainwater and melted ice and snow mixed with the branches and leaves. Now I’m ready to transfer the clippings into bags to put out with the trash. Any advice?
A: You are a moron. When you empty out the bags, they will smell like a herd of woolly mammoths took a dump in your driveway. You’ll probably have to burn everything you were wearing, and hosing down the driveway won’t make the stench go away. If you’re fortunate, your neighbors will shun you. If not, your head will be mounted on a post as a warning to the other homeowners.